To Have and To Hold by thetroll

Chapter 1

"I want a baby," Kagome announced that morning, meaning every word. She wanted children of her own to have and cuddle, to raise and teach to be wonderful people able to go out in the world and make a difference. She wanted their unwavering love and to give them twice as much love in turn.

She would make a great mother; she just knew she would.

"Keh, dunno why you're lookin' at me." InuYasha scoffed as he tucked his hands into his firerat sleeves. "I ain't gonna be the father, that's for sure."

Kagome gave him an annoyed look. Their relationship was already on the fritz because InuYasha hadn't been able to fully shake off his need to try and control how she lived her life. He meant well, she supposed, in his own way, but he was too used to being on his own and didn't understand her need to be needed. He often went off on his own or with Miroku but he never liked it when she did the same, even if it was for her own priestess responsibilities.

The desire for children, it seemed, might finally be what drove them apart.

"I told ya before that I don't want kids," he continued with a huff. 

She remembered the conversations they'd had before on the matter, but somehow throughout the years, she'd thought he'd change his mind. All of InuYasha's protests amounted to the fact that he didn't want to put a child through what he'd been through as a hanyo and since the child would have some yokai blood—though admittedly not much—he suspected that any child of his would be harassed simply for being, just as he had been.

She'd hoped—however foolishly—that time would soften his opinion on the matter, that he would come to see that he was loved and accepted in the village by all, just as any child of his would be.

Yet ten years had come and gone since she'd returned and no matter how she tried to approach the subject, InuYasha remained firm on his refusal. 

"InuYasha, can't we at least talk about it?" She wasn't sure that she could save their relationship even if they did, but she had to try. They'd been together ten years, and while he drove her crazy more often than not, she still loved him. It was a different love than she'd felt when she was a teenager, but it was love all the same, no matter how it had changed. 

"No." InuYasha didn't bother to move from his place at the stew bubbling above the fire. It was a bone stew, so it had already been cooking for a day, and he was clearly more than anxious to dive into it, even though they'd already had a simple breakfast of rice, fish, and vegetables.

But this time, Kagome wouldn't give up. She was almost thirty now. When she was in her teens and early twenties, it seemed no hardship to wait to have children; she hadn't even wanted them right at that moment, just at some point in her future. But now that she had celebrated her twenty-eighth birthday, the feeling had grown too strong for her to put off much longer.

She moved to sit down beside her husband. "I know you worry about how people would treat our kids, but look how loved you are, InuYasha. Everyone in this village respects and looks up to you." She reached out and begin massaging his tense shoulders. "No one would dare mistreat your child—as if we'd let them, anyway."

InuYasha stood up so quickly that she fell back in surprise. "I said no!" He made his way to the door, stomping with each step he took. "I told ya right when ya came back," he said over his shoulder, "that I don't want children and I never will. That ain't gonna change, K'gome. If that's what you want, then you don't want me."

And then he left before she could say another word.

.

.

Sesshomaru found himself wandering aimlessly, in search of something that he couldn't fully put into words. No matter where he journeyed or what he did, he found little comfort. Instead, there was this growing desire within him for morethat seemed to be unquenchable, though he did his best to assuage it. 

The only time he felt even a modicum of peace was when he visited Rin and even then, it did not last long.

So what is it that I desire then?

The feeling of dissatisfaction had begun shortly after the fall of Naraku. They had been quiet at first, more of a minor itch than anything, and easily pushed aside. But as the years had worn on, the desire had become stronger and stronger until he could no longer easily set it aside. Even now, he no longer felt the same peace with Rin and wondered if perhaps it was because Rin had moved forward with her own life, marrying Kohaku and settling down in the village he'd left her in.

Rin was no longer the young child who had followed him about Nippon and—a child. His eyes widened as he finally understood the desire welling within him. So that is it, then. I desire a child of my own.

Now that he'd identified the desire, he felt a small measure of relief. He had considered children as part of his plans, but more in the sense of heirs than anything else. Now that he had come into his own power and set aside childish whims, it made sense that that vague desire for children would become stronger until he gave in to the urge to procreate.

The issue he faced now was with whom. If he openly solicited, he would have no shortage of potential prospects, but the very idea of sorting through so many females left him mentally exhausted. Doing so in person would drain him and the time he would waste could easily span years. The desire was already strong enough to distract him on a daily basis that he feared if he delayed further, he might simply give into one of the females in pursuit to quell it.

And that simply would not do. Whether he wedded the female or not, she would be the mother of his heir and worthy of his respect. He would not be easily rid of her if it turned out that she did not meet his expectations.

There were a few females still living that he'd encountered in his travels, but most he dismissed instantly. A few had already perished, but most would simply be too weak to fend off anyone who might attack their young if he was away. Only a fool would dare attack Sesshomaru's young, but it was still a risk that he couldn't entirely discount. A strong mother would help ensure that such a possibility never came to fruition.

Still, he was at a loss for viable options so he opted to visit Rin once more for a small, temporary reprieve. He could return his mind to the matter then, after he had taken a moment to rest.

. 

.

Kagome sat inside Rin's house, cuddling Rin's firstborn while Rin rested, and tried to push back her own desire for children. 

Rin had recently given birth to a girl that appeared to have inherited Rin's bold nature. The baby seemed to be afraid of no one and nothing and was almost at odds with the gentleness of her name: Sakura.

Kagome had been completely unsurprised to find that Rin and Kohaku had named their daughter after a flower, given Rin's deep adoration of anything blooming.

"I hope she turns out to be like my older sister," Kohaku said in that low, quiet voice of his.

Kagome looked at him, surprised. Didn't men usually want the girls to grow up like their own wives? Sango was an amazing woman, of course, but so was Rin in her own way.

Kohaku must have understood her confusion—that or he'd expected it. "I love Rin," he said quickly, hands held out in a gesture that reminded her vaguely of Miroku—only Miroku often used it when he'd been accused, rightfully, of groping Sango. "I do. She's a strong woman and she's been through a lot. But Sango and I come from a family of yokai slayers and I hope to pass that heritage onto my own children and, well, Rin is the type of woman who needs to be protected rather than do the protecting."

Kagome thought back to when Rin had traveled with Sesshomaru. Rin had been kidnapped several times, requiring Sesshomaru to go and rescue her, but she'd also been a little girl. Unlike Sango, who'd had years of combat training by Rin's age, Rin had no experience in protecting or defending herself.

But at the same token, Rin was prone to daydreaming, even as an adult, and had little interest in combat or warfare. If anything, Rin was a pacifist, often not even recognizing conflict when it arose.

"I see your point," Kagome conceded. "but what if Sakura doesn't want to be a slayer?"

Kohaku blinked. "Why wouldn't she?" he asked, sounding as if he hadn't considered the matter. "Rin and I have already spoken about it and we agreed to raise our children as slayers. We can't rebuild the slayer village with just the two of us, but I can still share my heritage and teach my children."

Well, it's not any of my business, Kagome reminded herself, but she hoped that if Sakura chose a different path, Kohaku would be amendable to it. "I'm happy for you," she said instead. "Sakura is a lovely little girl."

Kohaku beamed with pride. "She has her mother's looks," he said, puffing out his chest, and Kagome's misgivings fell away. There was no doubt the love Kohaku had for his wife and daughter and whatever they faced, Kagome was confident that they would face it together as a family.

"Where's InuYasha?" he asked after a moment. "He was supposed to come with you to see Sakura."

Kagome hesitated. She hadn't told anyone what had happened, mostly because she was still trying to process it herself. She was still reeling from how InuYasha had simply walked out on her without so much as a backward glance. "He left to take care of something," she said, contenting herself with the knowledge that she wasn't lying. InuYasha had left to do something—she just didn't know what.

Kagome was saved from explaining further when Sango entered the hut and shooed him out. "Go see Miroku," she told him the moment she saw the look on Kagome's face. "He wants to give you advice."

Kohaku looked between the two women, the same hint of awe he always had for Sango still visible, but he did as he was bade and left.

"She's such a cute baby, isn't she?" Kagome cooed at the dozing baby in her arms.

"She is." Sango sat down and folded her arms. "What happened with InuYasha?" The this time was left unsaid but Kagome understood all the same.

Kagome glanced over at Rin, sleeping on her futon, and blurted, "He left."

"He left?" Sango repeated, her tone rising in anger. "What do you mean, he left?"

Kagome shrugged helplessly. "Exactly what I said. He just...walked out." She sighed heavily. "I didn't start the conversation right, like we practiced, but Sango, I really tried to talk to him about it. He just said that if I wanted kids, I didn't want him, and left. It was like the last ten years didn't mean anything to him at all."

Sango pressed her lips together. "Tell me everything."

So Kagome did, not leaving a word out. When she finished, Sango clicked her tongue. "Children have always been a women's prerogative," Sango said, showing the feudalistic era mindset. "A man is always supposed to want them, but it's the women who chooses to have them. That's why you've been taking the root Kaede showed you, right? What if... You just stop taking it?"

Sango looked as uncomfortable with the suggestion as Kagome felt. Not only would it be a betrayal of InuYasha's trust, but it was the sort of thing that women weren't supposed to talk about, in this era or any other.

But the plan wouldn't have worked anyway, for one very important reason. "We haven't...well, we haven't done that in almost a year," she admitted quietly. "I've been so busy with my duties since Kaede passed and InuYasha often says he's too tired anyway. I didn't want to pressure him into it."

Kagome had enjoyed sex with InuYasha; it wasn't anything spectacular by any means, but it was pleasurable and she'd liked it. Over the past few years, however, InuYasha had slowly become less interested in it, focusing more on his pleasure than hers whenever they had been intimate, and that had ultimately killed her own desire to sleep with her husband. She'd stopped initiating altogether and eventually, so had he.

In her era, they probably would have already divorced by now, but in the feudal era, women simply didn't divorce their own husbands. It wouldn't even have occurred to Sango to suggest such an idea in the first place.

Sango looked conflicted. After a moment, she whispered, "Have you tried using..." She trailed off but Kagome understood. There was a herb she often gave to couples who needed a boost to rekindle their desire, one that inflamed the senses and helped facilitate intimacy.

Kagome was horrified. It would have been one thing to use it if they'd had problems being intimate, but it was wrong to use it on InuYasha just because he didn't want to sleep with her.

She shook her head. "He doesn't want children, Sango. If I conceived without his permission, he'd leave for good and I wouldn't blame him. I'd deserve every moment of his hatred." Short of leaving InuYasha—a concept she had a had time wrapping her mind around because of how long they'd been together—nothing would change. "I guess I'll just have to accept that I won't ever have children," she whispered, her heart aching as she cuddled Sakura even closer.

"I'm sorry, Kagome." Sango rubbed Kagome's back soothingly but both women fell silent, neither knowing what to say.

Both women were so caught up in the miserable atmosphere that neither noticed the yokai presence hovering out their door, nor did they notice when it left.

. 

.

Late that afternoon, Kagome sat on the lip of the Bone Eater's well, trying to picture what the rest of her life would look like. 

"The hanyo will not give you a child," Sesshomaru's voice reverberated through the clearing as he stepped into view.

Kagome jolted, surprised that Sesshomaru had managed to sneak up on her. She'd honed her abilities well enough over the years that it was a rare day, if ever, that a yokai managed to do so. And then she blanched as his words registered.

"You heard?" she asked quietly and then some of her fire returned to her. "That was a private conversation, Sesshomaru!"

"And yet it was said where this one could easily overhear," he retorted unrepentantly. "Perhaps you should take greater care where you converse in the future if you do not wish to be overheard."

"I fail to see how it could have been any more private—we were in Rin's house!" she groused under her breath.

"Hnn." If he'd heard her, he didn't bother to comment further. "You desire a child, priestess."

"I want children," she affirmed. At this point her humiliation was complete so there was no reason to bother with pretense now. "But InuYasha doesn't want them."

He doesn't want me, a tiny voice whispered in her mind.

Sesshomaru raised a brow. "Then leave the hanyo."

She stared at him, stunned to hear those words from his lips. True, she technically could leave InuYasha, but it wasn't that simple. If she moved in with one of her friends, not only would she be burdening them, but she'd still be in the same village. Nothing would really change because no one in the village would marry her, even if she'd wanted to remarry. They'd all still see her as InuYasha's wife, whether she lived with him or not, and likely would view her unkindly for leaving him. They might even see it as a mark against her purity and if that was the case, she'd lose the only thing she felt she contributed: her priestess prestige and ability to help others.

On the other hand, if she left, she might be able to pretend to be a widow and remarry—assuming InuYasha didn't come after her—but she didn't find the way most men treated women in this era attractive. That meant she would likely only be able to marry a yokai and few, if any, would choose a human for their wife, let alone a priestess. She could live with Shippo, perhaps, or Koga, but Shippo was still in school and Ayame might be uncomfortable to have the woman her husband once loved living with them.

She still loved InuYasha, but she'd be miserable if she stayed. But if she left, she just didn't see a better future available for her.

"And go where?" she finally asked, though she didn't expect an answer. "I'd still be married to InuYasha, even if I left."

"A female can petition her clan or pack's alpha to dissolve the mating if she can prove childlessness, unfaithfulness, or abuse," Sesshomaru said to her surprise. "This one has witnessed for himself two of the three and is willing to grant such a boon in return for one that will grant what you desire."

"But why?" she blurted, unable to believe that Sesshomaru was helping her out simply out of the goodness of his heart.

He ran an hand idly through his hair. "It will grant him a desire of his own."

Kagome was curious but she didn't completely trust Sesshomaru, either. He was honorable overall, but he also had a longstanding habit of doing things just to spite InuYasha and she wanted his reassurance that this was more than that. "What do you want in turn?"

"The same as you," he replied calmly. "This one desires offspring and a mother strong enough to protect them in the event of his absence."

"Offspring," she repeated stupidly. "You want children with me? But they'd be hanyo!"

"This one has seen hanyo with a strength greater than most yokai," Sesshomaru countered. "He also has the power to seal away their yokai blood as the fang of this one's father has done for the hanyo you wed."

Well, that was reassuring but it still didn't explain why.

"If you want a strong mate, I'm sure you could find a yokai one." Kagome stared at Sesshomaru, trying unsuccessfully to read his expression. 

He continued to to run his claws through his hair. "They were found unworthy."

"I don't know." She bit down on her lower lip, torn between her two opposing desires. One part of her urged her to find InuYasha and rekindle their relationship. The other part desired children strongly enough that she was ready to accept Sesshomaru's offer. After all, she'd seen him with Rin and had a decent understanding of how protective and kind he would be to his own children. She felt reasonably confident that he would be even more protective of them than he had been of Rin.

"Very well." Sesshomaru turned to leave. "Continue to give the hanyo your affections even as he fails to meet your needs. Perhaps you will persuade him to stop laying with another woman in the village—"

"What do you mean by that?" she demanded. There had never been any indication whatsoever that InuYasha had been unfaithful. Sure, they had their problems, but there was no evidence for an accusation like that. "InuYasha would never do that!"

Sesshomaru turned to look at her over his shoulder. "If this one proves the hanyo's infidelity, will you accept his offer?"

The flat way he spoke incensed her. InuYasha had his own issues, but she didn't for once doubt his honor. "It doesn't matter because you won't prove that!"

Sesshomaru eyed her and then said. "Come, then."

She followed him into the village, confident that she'd prove him wrong. But when Sesshomaru stopped in front of a hut on the outskirts, she heard the telltale sounds of sex. Unsure, she couldn't bring herself to look in, but when Sesshomaru raised a challenging brow, she squared her shoulders and marched in front of it, sure that she was about to witness the invasion of someone else's privacy.

But the sight before her wasn't at all what she expected. Silvery hair over bare buttocks as they pounded into a woman beneath him could only belong to one person: her husband. And it only took a moment for her to recognize the woman, little more than a teenaged girl, and far closer in appearance to InuYasha's age since Kagome's features had matured since she'd returned. Kagome still looked young, but she'd lost the childish look to her features. InuYasha, however, hadn't visibly aged in the last ten years.

She gasped, reeling back in shock, feeling like she'd caught two horny teenagers rather than her own cheating husband, but the woman spotted her and screeched. Both scrambled for their clothing and it was only when InuYasha turned to face her that it all set in and finally felt real.

InuYasha was cheating on her.

He saw her, eyes widened, and made his way out the door, but Kagome didn't want to hear a word he said. She turned to Sesshomaru without thinking. "Take me away from here," she half-pleaded, half-demanded.

His cloud formed beneath his feet and she hopped onto it. "You have lost your wife, InuYasha," Sesshomaru taunted, but Kagome barely heard him over the roaring blood in her ears. All she kept seeing over and over again was InuYasha's naked ass pumping away as he made love to someone else.

She didn't pay any attention to their destination and frankly, she didn't care. She just wanted to be as far away from InuYasha as possible.

Little did she know that that was exactly what she was going to get.