Aeternalis by hasu86

Aeternalis

Disclaimer:  Inuyasha does not belong to me.

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Aeternalis

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It has been a long, difficult journey. Fraught with death, blood and twisted with lies and manipulation, the path she had chosen all those years ago has not been easy. Torn by a one-sided love, chased by demons and haunted by a past she could not control, she has done her best to look forward, to keep her head held high and not falter in the wake of such a daunting task of her own making.   

There are times when all she wants to do is cry. This is not her time. She does not belong here. She is five hundred years too soon. When midnight crawls along the sky and paints it a deep dark violet, dots it with bursts of light too far to reach, loneliness creeps into her heart. Even surrounded by friends, the burden of pink slivers can become overwhelming, but only she feels it. Only she will smile on the outside and slowly crumble on the inside and no one will ever know. It’s frightening, suffocating with nowhere to go but down. 

And then there are some days when all she wants to do is scream and scream. When bittersweet anger scratches her heart, claws the edges of her soul, she is left shaken in her beliefs. Oh, you stupid, pitiful girl. She will not deny that these dark feelings scare her.  The growing anger. The sadness inside her. The crumbling of her naïve innocence as she understands moment by moment that she can no longer remain the bubbly, oblivious girl with a heart of gold and a smile like the sun. It scares her because she is the Shikon Miko. Purifier of shards tainted black. Healer. Mother. Friend. What if she taints the very shards she is meant to keep and protect? What if these conflicting feelings inside her somehow stir the darker side of a shattered jewel she never should have touched?   

It is a delicate balance she learns. Why her? Why is she held responsible for the workings of the past? Why must she suffer for one man’s obsession with a woman who is not her? Because Kikyo is not her. They are two different women, both inside and out and in every way imaginable. Except one. And that one exception is—was—her almost collapse into an endless circle of the unrequited.   

It took her long enough and now she sees with eyes as clear as an untouched sky and with a beating heart that no longer beats for him, that she will no longer allow him to have. Over the years, she has changed, but change was inevitable. She tries still to smile like the sun and to bravely continue forward in their quest, but she has realized that not always will there be someone there to save her. That to grow, to evolve into the strong woman she knows she is, starts with her and only her.

She stretches out her fingers and tries to move her neck but the rattle of chains fills the dark space around her. Something warm trickles down her brow, stings her left eye and blurs her vision. Red. Red. Red. Her head hangs limp and her breathing is a shallow, slow cadence that hurts from the inside out. Her hair like midnight is a tangled damp mess, coated with grime and sweat and blood. Not all of it hers.

It is a struggle to stay awake here. There is no light. Time does not exist in the confines of her prison. The darkness is penetrating. It seeps into her very bones and sucks the marrow dry until she’s left a paranoid mess where the slightest sound, the smallest creak sets her on edge and she comes so horribly close to falling over. 

Don’t fall. Don’t fall. Don’t fall. Fight it.

Left with no choice, she always bites her lip until it bruises and bleeds and snaps her back. She cannot afford to succumb to her own madness and her own fears. She is stronger than that. Damn it, she is stronger.

Memories are the only things that keep her sane. When everything closes in and all she hears is the deafening silence, she remembers brighter days. The first time she met Inuyasha—the half inuyoukai who changed her world. Shippou in her arms, cuddled beside her. The warmth of the summer sun as they rested by a sparkling river, picked wild flowers in a nearby meadow.  Innocent brown eyes, hopeful eyes and eyes the sweet color of adoration. And the laughter, the happiness that stretched across time and space, spanned forests and cliffs, mountainsides and caverns. If she digs deep enough, she can sometimes almost feel the soft grass between her toes and smell the fresh crisp air as the wind sweeps through her hair. Feel soft white silk flutter around her fingers and taste magenta splashes, kisses of amber gold, delicate patterns brushed across rain-soaked skin…

A soul-deep pulse inside her makes her lift her head. She is used to the pain that scratches across her neck. The skin there is raw and irritated, but she has learned to ignore the discomfort. What is coming next is far more painful. Her visitor walks through the heavy door and with each passing second, it gets harder and harder to breathe. Not from fear or anger but from what he carries with him. Mocking her, calling her until all she wants to do is rip out her heart and hand it to him. You’ll never know…but this is what you’re looking for. This is what you want.

Long, tapered fingers trace a clean path down her dirty cheek. It is deceptively gentle, loving even until he fists his hand in her hair and pulls her head back. Her abused spine screams in protest as she sucks in a sharp breath. His scent assaults her senses, fills her mind with thick poisonous things so very dark and ugly. He brushes his lips across her cracked lips before inhaling long and deep.

“Kagome…Kagome…” There is reverence in his voice but she is not fooled. Underneath it lies his jagged anger, his growing impatience.

“Where are they?” he asks, so soft and inviting that it makes her sick.

They have done this over and over again. And every time it is the same.

“…you’ll never find them…”

His hand wraps around her throat, just above the heavy chain. “You could end all of this.” He comes closer until all she sees is his red red eyes and the blackness around him. He squeezes and she is left to hang. “If only you would cooperate…”

Her vision is dimming around the edges and for a flickering moment she wishes he’d kill her now. But he doesn’t and instead tears his hand away and snarls his fury as she sucks in greedy breaths. She knows he knows he cannot kill her. She is still too valuable. She is his means to an end, his only way to a dark immortality surrounded by death and brimming with blood.

He angrily paces back and forth, consumed by a madness for something that was never his to have. He storms forward and grips her chin, nails biting into her skin, bruising and harsh. He forces her to her feet and it is then she glimpses what he has become with everything but five shards.

Desperate madness. Corrupt. Poison too potent to cure. Darkness too sinful to ever forgive. He is beyond human or even demon. He is almost insanity and vice to the very core. For the world, he would lose his soul.

How can she hand them over when she knows what awaits on the other side? No. No. No. She can’t. She won’t. She never will.

And he knows. His eyes darken until they are no longer red. His lips pull back in a feral snarl and his grip tightens. She hears the deafening crack before agony blossoms bold and crude along her jaw. She will not scream. She will not cry. She will not give in. No matter the pain, the torture...she will not give in.

He pulls a dagger out and drags it lovingly down the side of her face. The razor-sharp edge trails down her neck, hisses vertical on the metal chain, skims her collarbone. She pulls at her restraints and he tsks, on the edge of what little sanity he has left and quickly succumbing to the alluring evil the almost completed jewel has become.

In the dim light cast from the parted door, she sees freedom but tastes blood as it floods her mouth and trickles from its cracked corners. The dagger’s silver tip rests dangerously close against her heart as he draws near once again and licks crimson from her lips.

“Your obstinacy is admirable,” he praises. “But how long will you last?” He applies a little more pressure to the hilt. “All I want are the last five shards. Give in and spare yourself my cruelty.”

She laughs but it comes out as a bitter, choked gurgle. It hurts so damn much to even talk but she forces it out anyway. “You’ll have to kill me first.”

She grits her teeth, holds in another cry when he cuts across her chest. Not too deep, but deep enough for her blood to drip red and warm along her skin. He then grabs a handful of her hair, wrenches up and before she realizes what is happening, he has already slashed clean through her long black tresses. The strands flutter around her and seem to melt into the ground. Without his hold, she crumbles into the illuminated shadows.

“You are nothing without your dogs.” He plunges the dagger hilt-deep into the stone wall behind her, so impossibly close, and cups the side of her face. “I will break you, Kagome. I will tear you apart little by little and bleed you dry if that’s what it takes.”

“Then do it,” she whispers, staring him straight in the eyes. “But no matter what, you’ll never complete the jewel…”

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That night, in between the healing and the maddening silence, she dreams of better days and of days long gone and still yet to come. From the far reaches of her soul, there is a gentle beckon, a resonating hidden echo of promises and duty. Shimmering lights. Sparks of soft neon. Beautiful, calm feeling. Inviting. Warm. She wants to fall into it, to feel it caress her skin and sigh across her lips. But her dreams quickly become nightmares and her nightmares make her jerk awake in the darkness.

For a fleeting moment, she sees silver and gold and red white sakura, feels youki raise the small hairs on the back of her neck. It is gone in the blink of an eye, however. Illusions. Hallucinations. Wishes. For the first time since arriving in Naraku’s prison, Kagome cries for all that she’s lost...and for everything else that she’ll lose.

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When an explosion shakes the foundations and causes dust and rubble to fall from the ceiling, she fears the worst. But in her torn and tattered state where Naraku has kept true on his threat, there is nothing she can do. Tortured and put through hell, lacerated and burned, slowly poisoned by malicious words and black miasma, only to halfway heal and repeat. Many times throughout she has considered giving in. It is an endless, agonizing cycle that has worn her down to the very core. Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if she just tells him what he wants? Gives him what he wants?

Let the world burn. Let everyone die. She won’t be alive to face the consequences anyway. They’re dark terrible thoughts, but so very true. Another blast and another tremble that vibrates through the stone walls.

A sad smile curves her bleeding lips. She can’t and she won’t. It is against every grain in her body to be so selfish and weak. She will not take the easy way out because that is not her. And to not be her is unthinkable. Left to linger broken on this wall, chained to the filthy ground smeared with blood and unshed tears, she breathes in and out.  

No one will ever find the remaining shards.  She has hidden them somewhere deep and out of sight where not even the tainted almost whole Naraku possesses can sense its missing pieces.

The heavy prison door bursts open. Torchlight floods the shadows a bright, flickering sunrise but silver blue is all she knows.

She had no other choice. There was no other way.

It is already too late.

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Five days later, she’s fading and she knows he knows. It is in his eyes every time he looks at her. It is in the way his hand pauses and then pulls away every time he wants to touch her but won’t. Damn it, she will not break. She isn’t so fragile. She isn’t…

Her throat tightens until all she can do is turn away and curl into herself to keep from crying. This isn’t how she wants it. They have fought so hard and travelled so far. They have cried together and bled for each other. This isn’t how it should end. But it will. And there is nothing anyone can do. Not even him.

The bed dips and she feels his warmth beside her, closes her eyes when his strong arms wrap around her and pull her close. He is strength and power, control and grace. He is everything that grounds her, everything that has kept her sane in her darkest hours. Why must she do this to him?

“I could not save you.” Guilt echoes in his voice.

“No one could,” she whispers, voice catching on a sob. She laces her fingers through his.

It is a truth they must deal with. There is no time to feel guilt for something neither of them could stop. For several young, precious lives she had sacrificed hers and given the chance to do it all over again, she will not change a thing. For Rin, for Shippou, for Sango’s unborn child she will suffer a lifetime of Naraku’s cruel torture, bleed rivers, and drown in darkness if it is the only way to save them. So no apologies for not being there. No regrets for what could have been but can no longer be.

She turns around to face him and he is timeless. He is everything and more and she is reminded why she has fallen so hard and why this hurts so much. She shakes her head at him, refusing to let him feel self-loathing, inadequate because he was not there.  Her hand comes up to press against the side of his face.

“Hey, none of that,” she reprimands softly. “No guilt. No beating yourself over what’s already happened…and I know it hurts and this isn’t how I planned it, but what could I have done? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but it was the only way…” She breaks down then, wrapping her arms around him and burrowing deep into the hollow of his neck.

She breathes in deep to remember him, to burn him deep and forever into her heart and soul.   

“I will not accept this,” he contends with the knowledge that there is nothing he can do. “You will not leave me…”

When the wind blows through the open windows of the castle they’ve built and she cannot feel it, but sees it stir his fine silver hair, she closes her eyes. The pain is stifling.  The sorrow is overwhelming. “I’ll stay for as long as I can, Sesshoumaru…”  

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Over the next few days, she spends time with a growing Shippou and a blossoming Rin who have become the children she will never have in this life. She hugs them close and watches them like a doting mother. Ah Un is nearby and they nuzzle her cheek, as if sensing not all is right with her. She pats Ah’s smooth scales, runs her fingers through the coarse hairs of their mane.

“You’ll watch over them right, Ah Un? You’ll make sure they’ll grow and love and laugh…”

They both huff and she smiles, unable to feel the warmth of the shining sun. “Don’t forget me, okay?”

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When they are entwined in the most sensual, elemental of ways she holds on tight and never lets go. Her hands roam all across his body. From the marks to his scars, she memorizes every steel smooth surface, every dip and every sharp inhale as they make love in a frenzied, hard rush of raw, lasting feeling. It reaches bone-deep. Cuts smooth and burns everlasting. This is all they have but it is eternal and radiant and beyond the stars so bright.  

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The rising sun calls, pulling her from moon-scented dreams and into a tangerine rose sky. As the jewel courses through her blood and shimmers across her skin, the end hovers a few steps away. She had made a desperate wish—partial and fragmented—with the pieces that are no longer pieces the night of her capture. Everything has its price. She is the Shikon Miko.  Born with the jewel. Die with the jewel—whole or not.

She will not risk Naraku getting the last shards. She will not risk countless lives if it only costs hers. This was the last resort. And she hopes everyone understands. She is human and passionate and oftentimes rash but she knows that sometimes the chosen alternative isn’t always ideal, isn’t always best and right. The jewel will never be completed and whether the almost whole Naraku has withers away in time, dulls until it is a shell of its former power or keeps its maddening allure, she will never know.

Her heart and soul cracks deep and jagged with every step she takes away from him. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I love you and now have to leave you… Her hands are becoming transparent, sparkling in the wake of the jewel’s beckon and she is powerless to resist. She walks onto the balcony, feels the heavy burden she’s been carrying all these years lift from her shoulders and set her free. She is fading fast and a glance over her shoulder tells her Sesshoumaru is still lost in tangled dreams.

It has been a long, difficult journey, but she has lived and she has loved with everything she has. As early morning kisses her sweetly goodbye, Kagome smiles like the sun, whispers her love eternal, and is gone before he wakes.

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…end…

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A/N:  For Skye’s Weekly Challenge ending August 16. Prompt – Dreams. Somewhere over 3,000 words.