Detachable Penis by 4arrows

Chapter 1

Authors note: yukihime asked me to do something that reminded her of the song Detachable Penis by: King Missile. While I am quite concerned over her taste in music, I was drunk and said yes, so here we go. Understand, I promise nothing...I repeat nothing. Read at your own risk. This will be Sessh/Kag .

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Detachable Penis

Miroku woke to a pounding, a drumming in his head that began at his temples, and stopped at his feet. He pushed slowly up to one elbow, and looked around. The sun was up, but so far, he was the only one in the camp that was moving. He rubbed his aching head and remembered the events of yesterday.

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They had celebrated last night, Shippo has slain a demon on his own yesterday. Sure it had been a slug demon, and probably had a history of heart problems, and apparently had asthma as well, but no matter. Everyone else ran in panic, having never even seen a slug Youkai before, let alone battled one to know it's weaknesses.

The enraged demon had spit out a huge blob of... well slug goo apparently, that everyone had no difficulty avoiding, except InuYasha. Shippo knew what to do with a slug that is getting rowdy, as most young boys do. He ran over to Kagome's bag, narrowly avoiding InuYasha slogging around in the goo, and retrieved a can of salt. He valiantly leaped on the demon's back, and poured salt on it till it turned into a small pond of goo that washed over the barely freed InuYasha, coating him a second time.

Kagome and the rest had been so proud of him, with his quick thinking and daring salt sprinkling technique. They had praised him, and had carried him back to their camp, not far from a village. All the villagers had come out to thank the group for ridding their village of the terrible demon that he been... well... gooing up the place.

The villagers gratitude was so great that they brought a great feast and lots of sake, for they were upper-middle class peasants. Kagome sent InuYasha and Shippo to the the hot spring to get cleaned up from the fight. It being an upper middle class village, the hot spring was directly adjacent to the tennis courts. All the way there Shippo has been talking about the battle and how great he had been, all InuYasha said was "squish, squish, squish, squish" with each step. They arrived at the conveniently located spring, and jumped in to wash a way the filth of the killer slug. InuYasha wondered, as he always did why Shippo still had no pecker, and why he still wore a bow in his hair in a very metro-sexual fashion.

The arrived back at the camp just in time for the feast.. Being somewhat continental in their tastes, the villagers presented their heroes with hummus and pita chips to start, open-faced reubens with sauerkraut for the main course, and something that looked kinda like slug goo for dessert. Be that as it may, the food was great, and the sake even better, Apparently the brew masters of this particular village were descended from a long line if Irish sake makers, and really knew their stuff. Before they knew it, they were all dancing around the fire, singing, and toasting Shippo's salt slinging prowess. Even InuYasha joined in the festivities, and after a few drinks they realized that he had a beautiful singing voice. His rendition of "Can't Live, If Livin Is Without You" had them all in tears. Eventually they all passed out where they happened to be at the time they passed out.

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Miroku stood shakily, and began to straighten his robes, and dust himself off. Suddenly he felt something not quite right. "What!" he gasped as he pulled aside his robes for a visual inspection. "Not again!" He tore through the camp, digging through provisions and the leftovers of last nights feast. "It has to be here somewhere!" He continued his search, getting more and more desperate as each second passed.

"What are you doing?" Sango had been roused by the sounds of breaking crockery and muffled curses.

"I'm looking for something!" he said, beginning to panic.

"What?"

"Something!" he yelled.

"You know, Miroku, I had a great time last night. I never knew you were such a great dancer. My head is still a little tender, but what say you and I slip away for a while before any one else wakes up?"

Miroku stood up straight and rigid. He turned slowly and looked at the slayer. She was lightly biting one finger, and with the other hand was motioning him to come closer.

"Well they could wake up at any second. In fact I think I see Kagome stirring."

"Come on big boy and, how did you say it last night 'back that thing up'." She turned and began to seductively sway her hips and grind her rear as she had the night before.

Miroku closed his eyes and gritted his teeth, "I can't."

She stopped and looked at him, wondering if he was seriously ill or had been trying to disguise the fact the he had secretly been gay the whole time.

"Why not?

"Iloms m pns." he mumbled.

"What?" she took a step closer.

"I LOST MY PENIS!"

Everyone began to stir at the monks distressed cry.

"What are you talking about! I've felt it plenty of times when you've run into me 'on accident'. How can you just loose your penis!?"

"He lost his what!?" Kagome blushed at the word.

Everyone was wide awake now and clamoring to hear why everyone was yelling about the monk's dick.

"Well," Miroku decided he had to tell them the truth if he ever wanted to find his friend again. "the wind tunnel in my hand is not the only thing my family is cursed with. We also have the curse of, The Detachable Penis!"

Everyone gasped, and then said "Huh?" because they had no idea what they were gasping about.

"The Detachable Penis is a part of the curse that Naraku inflicted upon my family. If we ever lose control, I mean really lose mental control over our bodies, the penis can detach, and roam around wherever it wants to. Last night I must have gotten so drunk, that it detached, and wandered off in the night."

Everyone's mouths hung open at that thought of Miroku's penis crawling around like an inch worm.

"Why do you think I was always so keen on somebody bearing my children?"

"I thought you were just really desperate, and didn't know you could just pay for it at most villages." quipped InuYasha.

"No! I wanted to BE with a woman before it got away again, and would never have another chance. Wait, you can pay for it?"

Sango was stunned, but automatically yelled out "Hentai!" and swung her bone boomerang at the perverted priests head.

Miroku was in no mood for her little dominatrix routine at the moment. He raised his staff, blocked the blow, and flung the weapon across the clearing. "Woman! You will desist with such attacks until I have found my penis! I have lost it before, but was luckily able to find it again."

Sango immediately felt her knees go weak. She had never been spoken to with such firm force from this man. Why couldn't he be this way all the time? She decided to try again and see what happened. She raised up to crack him on the top of the head. He turned a glared at her.

"I said to stop." His voice was hard. "Chastise me later if necessary. Until then, nothing will stop me from finding...my Detachable Penis."

Moisture began to gather in her nether regions. No one had ever backed her down with a look before. She didn't want a groper, groping was sweet in it's way, but she was a professional demon slayer. At the end of the day she didn't want sweet, she wanted a man to bend her over, and tell her how she was going to get it! She wanted him badly, but what she wanted, wasn't where it should be.

Sango took charge.

"Kagome! You, Shippo, Kirara, and I will search the woods. InuYasha, sniff Miroku's crotch, and see if you can get a bearing on that penis. Miroku, you go and see if anyone in the village has seen it. Let's go people! Let's find that penis!"

They all ran off to their assigned search zones. InuYasha took a good whiff of the monks groinal area, and set off, sniffing and snuffling the ground like a coon dog on the hunt.

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"Pardon me, but have you seen my penis?" SLAP!

"Excuse me, have you seen an errant penis around here? POW!

"My penis seems to have escaped me, I was wondering, has it been here today? SMACK!

"Penis...Gone...Nothing...in Pants." BLAMMO!

Miroku was not having a good day. His search for his penis had turned up nothing, except a growing collection of lumps on his head. The same villagers that had been so grateful the day before, were now curiously hostile towards his phallic inquiries.

He trudged up the hill, past the nail salon, and back to camp. He had been looking all day. Now he was exhausted, and just wanted some rest before resuming the search tomorrow. It was growing dark when he reached the camp. The others were there except Sango, and Kagome cooking dinner.

She waved as he got nearer. "Hey Miroku! Any luck finding your penis!?"

He cringed at her words, words he never thought he would hear anyone, especially Kagome, utter. They would never take him seriously as a lecher again.

"No. No luck. Where's Sango?"

"Still looking, I guess. Don't worry, we'll find your penis tomorrow. Who knows, maybe it will come back on it's own tonight. Want some Ramen?" her normal upbeat attitude grated on his nerves.

"No thanks, not really hungry for some reason." he couldn't get his mind off of what it was going to be like without a penis for the rest of his life. His only comfort was that his wind tunnel would devour him soon, and that he wouldn't have to worry about it any more.

He was startled from his thoughts of the saving virtues of an early death by Sango bursting through the trees and into the clearing. She was out of breath, and her face was flushed from running.

"Miroku! Did you find it? I mean, did it come back!' she rushed up to him, and before he had a chance to reply, roughly grabbed his crotch to feel for herself.

"Hey! Easy there! It's just the penis that's gone, my balls are still down there.!"

"Sorry, I thought it had come back after I found it." she turned and walked to the fire to see what Ramen flavor Kagome was preparing tonight.

"W-W-W-What do you mean after you found it? If you found it, why didn't you bring it back?"

She spun, "I-uh-well." she twisted her hair nervously, and looked at the ground. "Actually, it kinda found... me."

"You will tell me everything!" his voice boomed with authority. She had no choice but to obey him, she licked her lips, wishing he had his member so she could take him here and now.

"I followed InuYasha into the forest on the trail of your penis. But after a while he got distracted and started chasing some squirrels instead, so I went on alone. My head was still kinda sore, so I lay dawn beside a tree and fell asleep." She paused not wanting to continue her tale in front of them all. Miroku was in no mood for her stalling.

"Continue!" she started at the force of the word.

"I was wakened by something wriggling and crawling up my thigh. It felt good, and I just lay there for a minute while it worked it's way higher and higher. I opened my eyes, and saw that it was... a penis."

"Was it mine?" he asked.

"Well, I was pretty sure it was seeing that you are the only man I know of whose dick can jump down and have sex on it's own!" She covered her mouth with her hand at the slip-up.

"Aaaagggghhhh! Not again! Why did you let it?"

She looked at the ground and bit her lip. "It was very persistent. VERY PERSISTENT."

Miroku was visibly upset. His normal calm and collected demeanor had been replaced with one of desperate betrayal.

"How could you Sango?! How could you fuck my penis without me?!"