Out of the Ashes by thetroll

Chapter 1

Kagome sat down on the edge of the Bone Eater’s well, hoping that, for once, InuYasha wouldn’t follow her.

Everything she thought she’d known when she’d come back, everything she’d expected, hadn’t quite lived up to expectations.

InuYasha had welcomed her back when she’d returned to the feudal era after graduating. He’d missed her, he said, and to his credit, he had tried hard to make things work.

At first, she’d basked in his affection. He had attentive, doing his best to make up for the fact she’d left her family and life in the future for a life with him.

But now, she found that the things that used to endear her to him, like his temper, simply... didn’t. At best they left her indifferent, but at worst, his antics annoyed her.

She felt shallow. She felt like a terrible person for not returning his feelings the way he so obviously wanted. They hadn’t married yet, but he’d been hinting quite blatantly that he was ready for that next step and more.

Kagome couldn’t picture him as a father. She kept seeing him with Shippo and there wasn’t anything to show he’d matured since their traveling days. Any time she pictured herself with children, he was never in the picture, which at first had taken her aback. Didn’t she love him?

Time had begun to make her question everything in the months since she’d returned to her friends.

So what did she do? She still loved him, but she wasn’t sure it was romantic. Could they rekindle her love? Could she help him mature into the partner she needed? Did she even want to try?

She didn’t know and that bothered her. It made her feel shallow and self-centered, like she was dragging him along the same way he used to drag her when Kikyo was still sort of alive.

”There you are,” Miroku said, sitting down in the edge of the well beside her. “I thought I might find you here.”

She gave him a wan smile. “Hey, Miroku.”

She was unable to hide her turbulent thoughts and he picked up on it instantly. 

“Speak your thoughts,” he said gently. “And I’ll do my best to help you.”

She bit her lower lip but it only stopped the words for a minute. “What’s love?” When he looked at her in surprise, she elaborated, “What’s romantic love supposed to feel like, Miroku?”

He rubbed his chin with one hand but couldn’t keep surprise from his face. “Truth be told, I never would have thought you’d be the one to question love,” he said musingly. “You have always had more of it to give than anyone else I have ever met.”

His words only made her feel worse about her changing feelings and she curled in on herself a little more.

”But,” Miroku added with a curious look on his face, “even the purest of hearts can’t keep love alive forever without support. I imagine this is about InuYasha, hmm?”

At her nod, he continued, “You have faced many trials together. You have continued to love him when others would have long since given up. But don’t forget you are human, Kagome. It’s okay to change your mind, and it’s okay for your feelings to change. You still love InuYasha, right?”

She hesitated for a moment before she nodded. She did love him, just not the way she had before.

”But you no longer want him as a husband,” Miroku said, more of a fact than a guess or a question, but she nodded again anyway. “You should tell him, Kagome, rather than letting both of you suffer in silence. He may be obtuse at times, but I’m sure he senses your withdrawal.”

She jumped up from her seat and turned to gape at her friend. “I can’t!” she shouted, her voice agonized and strained.

”He’ll understand,” Miroku told her soothingly. “It make take time, but he will understand.”

But she shook her head vehemently. “Kikyo wanted to be with him, Miroku. It was the last wish she made and I think that’s why I was brought here in the first place as her reincarnation. He had a hard enough time letting her go, but he still had me. I don’t know how he’d react to losing me too.”

Miroku’s eyes were gentle. “He is not losing you, Kagome. You’re still his friend. InuYasha deserves more credit than you’re giving him. He would not force you to stay if you’re truly dissatisfied with your relationship.”

Kagome looked up at the sky, unable to think of a way to have the conversation she’d been avoiding with her hanyo friend these last few weeks since she’d come to her realization. 

“Maybe,” she said lamely. 

“Have faith.” Miroku stood and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Things will go the way they’re meant to, Kagome.” 

He smiled. “We should head back, however. There is plenty left to be done before winter sets in. Sesshomaru is arriving tomorrow for his visit with Rin, and it is my understanding that Kaede could use a hand preparing her supplies and medicinal herbs before the first snow falls.”

Kagome nodded and reluctantly followed Miroku as he led the way back to the village, thinking all the while how she would have the conversation she knew she needed to have with her friend.

The rest of her life, her future, was just as blank as her ideas at the moment. Once she talked to InuYasha, what would she do? What should she do?

Staying around might give him hope, and she couldn’t hurt him like that. She knew all too well how it would feel.

But if she couldn’t stay here, where would she go? Should she visit Shippo at school and return just before snow began falling? But Shippo had exams coming up and she didn’t think he needed any distractions.

Sighing, she stared at the ground, lost in thought, all the way back to the village.

. 

InuYasha sat in the hut he’d had built with Kagome in mind during the years she’d been away.

Though the villages had offered to build it for him as thanks for his protection, he’d insisted on helping them build it, feeling a sense of pride in making a home with his own two hands. He hadn’t really had a place to call home in so long...

He sighed morosely. He wasn’t an idiot; he could tell something had changed with Kagome. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

She didn’t look at him the way she used to. She didn’t talk to him the way she used to. At this point, he’d almost be willing to go through one of her sit tirades because at least then he’d known she loved him, no matter what he did.

Now, no matter what he did, it didn’t feel like she did. He had brought her flowers, seeing the gentle smile on her face when Rin had given her some, but it didn’t fill her face with happiness. She’d thanked him, but it seemed more like it had pained her so he hadn’t tried again. He’d brought her food, tried to help her with her tasks for the old hag priestess, but nothing he did seemed to make her happy.

Before, just being around her would have made her happy.

Had he hurt her so much that she could no longer love him like she used to? Didn’t she see how hard he was trying to make things work?

He didn’t want to lose her, too, like he lost Kikyo. He wasn’t sure he could handle it.

He glanced over at their bedding, separated and on opposite sides of the hut. When she’d returned, she had been so happy and he’d thought it wouldn’t be long until they were married. She’d even greeted his stupid half-brother bastard like her brother-in-law. He had almost been able to picture their children together, growing up side by side with Miroku’s and Sango’s growing hoard.

All of that seemed lost to him now.

Try as he might, he couldn’t figure out what had changed—or why. 

He didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want her to be unhappy, either. But he was simply out of ideas on how to change anything.

He stood up and tucked his hands in his sleeves. He’d talk to Sango. She was Kagome’s best friend and she could give him a female opinion on what he should do.

He found Sango inside her hut, preparing dinner as her twins napped on their bedding and her son babbled in his carrier on her back. 

Without preamble or social niceties, he rattled off the whole story, including anything and everything he could think of that might be relevant or important.

Sango hadn’t seemed surprised, either to see him or by his story. She just listened and nodded here and there until he was done.

When he finally stopped talking, it was because he had nothing left to say. He felt better in a way because it was finally out, but he also felt emotionally strained. He’d never talked so much about his feelings before, not even with Kagome.

”InuYasha,” Sango said slowly, stirring the pot as she added in the last ingredients. “Have you spoken to Kagome about any of this?”

”Keh.” Obviously he hadn't; if he had, he wouldn’t be seeking Sango’s advice now.

She sighed and put her hands on her the floor to brace herself as she stood and he wondered at her wobble. Was she pregnant again?

Miroku was clearly living up to his promise to have as many children as he could.

”Talk to her.” She met his eyes with a stern expression that dared him to protest. “No matter what’s happened, she still cares about you. But neither one of you are going to feel better until you talk.”

It was the one answer he’d been hoping not to hear. Talking about feelings was damn difficult and he wasn’t very good at it. He could show Kagome how he felt by doing his best to take care of her, but the words just made him feel silly.

And lately he was afraid if he talked about their problems, she’d leave him. Even this awkwardness was preferable to Kagome abandoning him. At least as things stood now, he still had her.

Sango folded her arms across her chest and stood there silently, waiting for him to give in.

He caved after another moment, right when he was sure she was about to threaten to hit him with her weapon tucked in the corner of her hut.

”Keh,” he agreed, doing his best to avoid saying anything else. He’d aired enough of his feelings already, even though he didn’t feel as conflicted doing so with Sango. She was masculine enough that it didn’t hit his pride as hard to tell her of his struggles.

”Good.” Sango nodded. “And InuYasha?” She called after him as he turned to leave. “Don’t wait.”

He grunted his reply as he left her hunt, but despite her warning, he wasn’t ready to go find Kagome just yet.

He was too worried she’d leave him if he tried.