So...I've never reviewed on Dokuga before, but this warranted a review.
I started reading the story and immediately noticed the grammar mistakes, but decided to ignore it for the sake of seeing what would happen. The truth was, I got to Chapter Seven and just couldn't read anymore (but I skipped to the end because I admit, I had to see what happened, good job there) due to a few major things that bothered me:
1. I really hated the complete butchering of characters in this story. It was like you just tacked on the name "Kagome" to a person who is nothing like Kagome - and it wasn't just Kagome. Every single character was completely wrong. It's not even that they were out of character; they were the opposite of their character. If you want to write Original fiction, GO FOR IT! I completely encourage that. But making original characters and tacking on the names of premade characters just really isn't okay.
2. The story was completely unrealistic, as some other reviewers have said. The world, while it can be cruel, is not anything like what you portrayed. Kagome did not even have one friend, not even one person who would take pity on her besides Sesshoumaru, and that was only because she left him some tapes to listen to. In all honesty, if Sesshoumaru really didn't care for her the way he was portrayed to, then he probably wouldn't have listened to them at all. If he HAD listened to them, I think someone as intelligent as Sesshoumaru would have realized something was very wrong much more quickly than he did. The moment you hear about someone being raped, you don't wait until you listen to the last tape (it was also unrealistic that with what she was saying he would truly wait to listen to the tapes like she'd requested). If he had any speck on responsibility in him at all, he would have alerted the authorities immediately. And the comments about "leaving"? It was fairly obvious in the context that she was going to do something drastic...perhaps not suicide outright, but it wasn't a matter that could just be tended to later.
3. I was glad that you gave Kagome a reason to wait the thirteen days to commit suicide because with what was going on, I was honestly surprised that she didn't do it sooner. As someone who is familiar with depression and suicidal ideation, it would make more sense if Kagome had locked herself away from the world those last two weeks - if she was so determined to wait that long, anyway. What I don't understand is that if she really wanted to do it, why give Sesshoumaru the exact time, date, and place? I understand it was a cry for help, but she waited a VERY long time for that. Honestly, if she had gotten to the point where she wanted to commit suicide and hadn't cried out for help before then, why now? Maybe it would be better if that had been explained...
4. Lastly of all, I just hated Kagome. I didn't sympathize with her at all. I understand victimization and how it feels to be one - I've had my own experiences with that. I can also tell you that if she really wanted to get out of her situation, she could have...although maybe not in your story, where everyone is incredibly heartless and/or oblivious to blatant cruelty. (The world is a bad place, but it's not THAT bad.) I didn't truly hate her until the last chapter, however, when she tells Sesshoumaru in the tape that she wants him to see her cold, lifeless body and know what he did to her. I'm sorry, that is just WRONG. When you put it like that, Kagome's suicide seems more like a vengeance than an escape from her horrible life. It's a heartlessness all on its own, and even though it's already been addressed, Kagome would NEVER do that.
There were a few other things, like dialogue that is completely unrealistic and such, but I think I could have handled it if it weren't for the four points aforementioned. I doubt you've even read this far, but if you have, I want you to know that I'm not trying to be mean. I honestly don't flame, although this could probably be categorized as one. Some of it can be blamed on not having first-hand knowledge of depression and suicidal tendencies, but the characterizations, if you've watched the anime or read the manga, just cannot be brushed off.
My advice? Try writing original fiction. You've got good ideas and you can portray them well enough (a lot of writing skill just comes with practice) but in fanfiction, people aren't there to read original fiction. Even if it's AU/AR/whatever, they still want the characters. The usage of premade characters and premade universes is the only thing that makes fanfiction fanfiction; honestly, what you wrote could have been perfectly fine on Fictionpress if you'd just changed the names, because nothing else about it resembled Inuyasha at all.
Honestly, I think I would have liked it (despite the unrealistic world) if it had been on Fictionpress or LJ instead of Dokuga.
Cheers!
Please understand that I'm not an English teacher or a master of the English language - I am not perfect when it comes to spelling and grammar - but I hope by leaving this review you can take the constructive criticism to improve your writing skill.
So to make a long story short, aside from minor spelling/grammar mistakes (a beta reader would likely pick these out later, and pretty much anyone is bound to make a mistake or two throught a story!), there was one consistency in your writing that made me stop reading before reaching the end of chapter 1. To be specific, the following is an example:
"It was 6:00 a.m..." / "...she has no choice"
Now, this isn't usually an obvious thing for most people to pick out, so just in case you aren't sure what I'm getting at yet, here are a few more examples in the next paragraph:
"Kagome is not the most..." / "She was even lower "...
"In everyone eyes, she was nothing" / "Her mom is a drunk"
I do understand that what you may be trying to do is contextualize these phrases to imply that things ABOUT Kagome are constant, aka present tense ("Kagome is", "Her mom is"), but this pulls me out of the past where you've seemingly set the events of the story ("it was" 6:00 a.m.").
However, as a reader I personally find it very difficult to become "involved" in a story when the verb tense changes multiple times in a paragraph like that. It is distracting and takes away from the overall story you're trying to tell me. Nevermind any other errors, this is a "distracting" grammatical mistake that can be easily rectified in future stories.
Good luck to you as a writer if you continue, and if this is a passion you might have for a career someday I'll say what I say to all of my clients:
"Pursue your dream, but if you want to succeed at it make sure you follow the paths of education, determination, and preparation."
