Ooh, what an interesting premise!  I'm very interested to see where you take this story.  However, it would probably be a good idea to have a native English speaker look over your work before you post it, as we conjugate things a little differently than it seems you think we do.  While I can understand what you want to say, it's a little bit jarring and takes me out of the story.

Good luck with your writing!

-Jupe