*growls* Very possesive Sesshomaru. I knew there was a reason I favorited this! Great job.

Well, this is a very different story.  Even though I keep telling myself that certain things should not be taken so seriously since this story is a fantasy, the idea of Kagome living on her own at 12 years old and Sesshoumaru's immediate innapropriate behavior with her just seems too unlikely.  And there are some inconsistencies, such as Kagome's mother being a drunk or a drug addict in the first chapter, but now it is revealed that she is a vampire.  Really, this could be a good story, but as I've stated before, you should slow it down and focus on details.  Right now, this story seems to be going all over the place as if you want to reveal all of these different aspects of it right away, but you give no explanation for what is happening.  But if you slow it down, focus on the events that you want to happen, and work on developing those events in a way that flows and is well thought out, this story could be very good.

Once again, a "different " storyline. I also think this one has alot of implausibilities in it. Most of all, Kagomes mother getting her own apartment at 12. It's hard reading your writing from time to time. This one also had grammer issues. I think with time and practice (possibly a beta, also)you could write a really good story. I would suggest maybe focusing on one theme in a story. It might make it easier for you.

I had a hard time reading through this story...there are a lot of plotholes and inconsistencies even for an AU storyline. I applaud you for trying your hand with matters such as drug use, neglect and the always popular taboo teacher & student plot but they were entirely too unbelievable.

As I have said before, your POVs make it difficult to read - better to stick to third person and interject the ceonversation where needed. There is also no need for all CAPS anywhere..at most it's to be used to exaggerate a point. It makes seem like you are yelling at the readers and it messes with the word flow.

I do think you show much promise for an aspiring writer and if you do decide to pen some more have another pair of eyes check it over before posting - your readers will appreciate you more for it.  Good Luck!!!

There are several different points in this story that were humorous, but I think that there are some serious flaws that must be worked out. Some of these have been pointed out by other reviewers but I will just go over them again.

 First, Kagome's mom. This is one of the most unbelievable parts of the entire story. I really don't think that she would set her up with an apartment at 12 and giver her 1000 dollars. I am going to assume that you are pointing towards the fact that her mother continues to pay for the apartment, yes? That kind of thing can bring the mind and imagination of the reader (Which as a writer, you are trying to capture) to a screeching halt.

Second, there is Kagome's attitude. While it might be funny to some, to me, it just makes her an annoying brat. I can't really get too involved with a character that I don't like. I am sure that there are others who will like her outrageous behavior, but to me, there has to be something about a character that I like, and I just can't find it here.

Third, there is the entire student/teacher romance. I find this to be really disturbing, and a line that should never be crossed. Wait until she is out of school...but even then it is a little weird for me. I just don't think that a teacher should ever think about a student that way, and as it is a major plot point, I cannot follow the story because it is a little nauseating to me.

While I might have strong views on these things, especially the third, you should still follow your muse. Get a beta and someone to use as a sounding board. Don't switch perspectives and times so much, it is disconcerting. You have the makings of a good writer, you just need practice.

Hello!  Ducky here.  Your fic was pretty entertaining to read.  I think you’re on to something cool and unique.  However, I think it would be a good idea to do some revising and get a beta.  I like that your fic is told (mostly) in the perspective of Sesshoumaru.  In the beginning of the fic, it changes a lot – something that distracts from the overall plot.  It would be a good idea to fix up maybe the first couple of chapters (POV wise).  Also, flow and rushing must be addressed.  I think you’re rushing the fic too much.  For you, it’s not about time (heck only a couple of days have gone by).  However, a lot of stuff happens during a very short period of time.  Kagome and Sesshoumaru get amorous pretty quickly after her antipathy towards him in the beginning. 

Now, the biggest concern I have is with Kagome’s mom.  You write her as a drug addict and casually mention it.  Kagome makes the deal that allows her to live by herself when she is twelve years old.  For me, it makes absolutely no sense.  When people are on drugs, they cease to care about anything else.  One of my best friends got addicted to heroin.  Thankfully, she’s out of rehab and never ODed.  I can’t say things are great because everything changes after something like that; however, she and I are doing much better.  The point is, when she was doing drugs, she was a completely different person.  She couldn’t hold down her part-time job, she almost flunked out of school, and she stole money from everyone to feed her drug habits – she even stole from me.  Drug users are constantly broke because as soon as they have money, they spend it for a temporary high.  Kagome’s mother wouldn’t have cared if her daughter got sent to foster care.  As sad as it is, the drugs would have addled her mind so much that she wouldn’t feel anything if her daughter was taken from her.  Kagome’s mother giving her $1000 and paying the rent is odd considering the drug addiction.  Kagome’s mother sending Sesshoumaru to look after Kagome is also odd.  I take drug abuse very seriously, so that is why I’m telling you this.  I honestly don’t feel that drugs should just be misrepresented – even in fanfics. 

Now onto something a little more light-hearted: the trio of girls = LOL!!  I think you should expand on Sango and Rin-Rin.  It should make for some interesting parts. ^.~  I liked Kagome kickass personality but I warn you against taking it too over the top.  She acts kinda like a bully towards teachers.  And whoo boy!! It gets hot in your fic!!  There is definite chemical attraction between Kagome and Sesshoumaru.  I loved Sesshoumaru’s appraisal of Kagome.  He literally drank in all of her features when he first laid eyes on her.  That segment featured wonderful description.

With that being said, I think you’re onto something good here!  Getting a beta would be tremendously helpful, so I totally recommend sending out a wanted ad via forums for a beta. 

ducky out!

Im sorry to say this but there really is no mystery as to what will happen in this story, it is very predictable. The long paragraphs should be broken up, it will make the story flow so much better, and it is not necessary to dictate the changing of time or scene or even the character speaking separetly, it again inturrupts the flow. And like in 'Kagome Baby' this story would be much better if told from the 3rd person POV. In all honesty i would highly recomend getting yourself a beta, and avoid telling stories in 1st person until you have had a little more practice writing.

The relationship between the main characters was interesting and they played well off each other.  There is some good material here.  I have a couple of concerns with the plot though. Things that I found a bit improbable or inconsistent.

1. You have to follow your muse but I'm a little concerned with a high school teacher having a romantic relationship with his 16 year old student.  It's illegal and I don't know how he would get away with it for long.  I'd think about perhaps making Kagome a little older might help.  If she were in college she could be just as snarky and you could still have a titillating relationship (because a teacher/ student relationship is frowned upon in the acedemic community) between them but it would not be illegal. 

2. I was also wondering about how her mother was able to consistently pay for rent considering she was an alcoholic, drug addict.  Also if Kagome was living on her own at twelve people in her building would have noticed and reported it to child protective services unless she was living in a ghetto situation where maybe it would be ignored. 

I suggest getting a beta  to use as a sounding board and help with editting.  There isn't an author out there who doesn't benefit from one.  And to echo anothe reviewer stick to one point of view.  Multiple view points do get confusing. 

All that being said you have an interesting story line that could develope into a really facinating tale with some plot tweaking and editting.

Noticed a couple of problems I mentioned in my review of Kagome baby, but unfortunatly this one seems to have even more.  For starters, do not put anything in complete caps, especially your AN, readers will simply ignore it.  Try to stay away from scene changers like 'NEXT MORNING' simply starting the first sentence with 'The next morning...' will explain that to the readers without making it seem rather script like.  Some of your paragraphs were way too long, making it harder for people to read.  Try to keep each paragraph around four or five sentences.

As a new writer, I would really suggest sticking to just one point of view, perferably third person, as it tends to be the easiest to write in.  And the constant changing of views can make it distracting for readers.