Somewhere Between Here and Now
Prologue
"If I don't say this now, I will surely break,
As I'm leaving the one I want to take,
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait,
My heart has started to separate."
.
..
...
....
"I met someone..."
Lies; cloaking themselves as an amiable caress, a chaste kiss.
They are subtle I'm sorrys; protecting us, killing us, slowly tearing at the seams of our potent protection which once torn down will leave us to fight against an arduous army constructed from the rubble of our every deplorable action.
They are the foundation of every relationship, weaving through every word; our hesitation to present ourselves as vulnerable and bow to submission is fought with an unyielding determination.
To accept this, we would forfeit the pliable comfort that embraces us and soothes our fears with murmurs of assurance.
"Really? That's great! What's he like? Give me all the details!"
Yet when the heart speaks for the mind, it surpasses every prior lesson received, leaving us open for painful tremors of heartbreak which will shatter the glass organ enclosed beneath the skin of our chests.
And we will crumble beneath the weight of it.
Too weak, too pathetic to support our feet as we climb to a higher level of distress.
But that will not be a problem.
"He's everything I ever need."
For despite our struggles, it will overcome us, feed us to the darkness.
And one day we will wake to a world so barren and unnerving that we will be without thought, without feeling.
And slowly, we will wither away.
Leaving behind the strength we have acquired all through our years of existence and accepting the task of rebuilding ourselves.
Once this happens, we will never be the same.
"And I don't know how I would ever live without him..."
.
..
...
Silence.
A still, dolorous silence encased us, delving into the gap between us, widening it further; neither of us bothered to announce our discomfort or at the very least take action to be rid of it.
To us, it had become normal.
We did not dare mention the events leading up to the very moment of time we were currently residing in. That, was indeed, our biggest mistake. We had left the wound open to fester and eat away at us slowly; it was insatiable and would not rest until both of us had been consumed by a recent friend: heartbreak.
I watched him with interest.
He had done the right thing, forfeiting himself to honesty.
My mind however was in a perpetual state of what if thoughts. Thoughts that degraded me.
What if I had been enough?
What if I had seen the signs?
What if I had not let the happiness overwhelm me?
What if I could just forgive him?
The last question caused a dull, hollow ache to take over my heart, rendering me helpless. I feared that I could not forgive him. And I had tried. Each time I thought of it, it caused the pain to increase, feeding me into the what if questions once again.
So you see, it had become a cycle. And I, no matter how much I fought, was stuck. It confined me with ravenous binds, lapping up any doubt that crossed my mind with a greedy grin.
And where did this leave me?
In a place so desolate that even the better memories of the past had to fight to surpass the events that had taken place in the past few days.
It held a power potent enough to tear us apart.
He had been staring at the wall in front of us for the past half hour, his chest rising and falling with each breath; but that was the only movement his body released. I, next to him, twitched uncomfortably, attempting to feed myself with a shaky hand.
His food remained untouched, the steam licking at his chin.
"Are you not hungry?" I asked quietly, refusing to meet his eyes. I could feel his stare lingering on me and when I heard his deep, baritone voice I almost forgot to breathe. His tone was broken, clips of sound merely weaved together in an attempt to hide his emotions. He was hurting too.
"No. I apologize. Today was strenuous and rest would be much welcomed."
A pain shot through my heart, traveling down to my stomach. It was uncomfortable, the food that I had already eaten wanting to find a path back up my throat, surely resulting in a sickening upheaval. He had much to make up for and yet, spending time with me was not his top priority.
"Oh," I muttered, allowing the disappointment in my voice to be heard. Part of me ached for his touch, his kiss, his gentle words, and the other part despised him and would do anything to push him away.
My conflicting emotions caused my eyes to water, the tears obscuring my vision momentarily before I hastily blinked them away. I swallowed hard. Why had it all gone wrong?
"Okay, well, goodnight then," I said, standing from my seat and grabbing both plates, the shaking in my hands so immense that the fork on my plate began to hit the china with a clatter. I saw him toss a concerned glance towards me but I ignored it.
"Would you like assistance?"
My cheeks began to heat up in a blush that traveled to the back of my neck. I set the plates down loudly despite my efforts to keep my emotions at a standstill. "No," I said softly. "I don't."
I heard his chair scrape against the floor as I busied myself by placing the dishes in the sink and turning on the water. I let out a long sigh, my shoulders slumping as I reached for the soap. My vision began to blur again and I berated myself.
"Kagome..."
My breath caught in my throat. "Yes, Sesshomaru?" I asked, turning to face him. His eyes softened when he saw the tears I had been attempting to fight off.
"I should have never..."
I knew the rest of the sentence. He did not need to finish.
"It is the only regret I have."
"I know," I answered. I knew he regretted it from the very moment the confession passed through his lips.
"I did not wish to hurt you." He was closer to me now. Two more steps and I could be wrapped in his arms like the past, his embrace a great comfort to any pain I felt. Now, though, it could not be like that.
Then you should not have done it! My mind screamed. The words begged for escape. I wished to see the pain etch it's way across his face. I wished for him to know what I felt and if that could accomplished fraction by fraction, so be it.
But it was not possible. I could not hurt him. I still loved him dearly. My heart still yearned for him.
And the temptation was becoming hard too resist. But I knew once I gave in, I would regret it.
"I know," I whispered, bowing my head as the tears begin to fall.
His hand brushed against my arm and he pulled me towards him, wrapping me in an embrace. I felt weak, pathetic. I was no longer the strong-willed woman I had been before I met him. He was dangerous—falling in love with him was dangerous.
I let out a strangled sob, grabbing his shirt with clenched fists, burying my face in his chest. "Why?" I cried. "Why did you do it?"
His chest rose and his breath hitched. "I am sorry," he murmured into my hair, kissing every inch of me that he could possibly reach. I could feel his need pour into me; the need to be with me.
"Did you not feel guilty?" I asked, my voice becoming high pitched as a new set of sobs racked my being. He held me tighter, crushing me to him.
"I am sorry," he repeated brokenly.
I cried soundly, the pain tearing me apart.
It was unbearable.
Silently, I asked myself how a something that had taken so long to build had been destroyed with only one blow.
Something that I had wanted so desperately to stay as it was, lovingly nurtured by happiness.
I feared, from this moment on, things would never be the same.